Life, Etc. -- Twenty-four

Just before 6, the bell rang and Emily ran downstairs to answer.  She liked this pastor friend of her mother’s. 

During dinner, they all chatted easily.  Emily talked about The Curse of Addy McMahon, a book she’d just begun.  “It’s by Katie Davis,” Emily proudly announced.

Stephen, obviously impressed with this precocious 10 year old said, “Wow, Emily, I’m not sure I ever knew the authors of books I read at your age!”

“Well, your mother probably didn’t own a book store,” she responded mischievously.

   

Megan promised Emily one game of Rummi Kube before bedtime, and then she could read for half an hour before lights out.

 

After Emily said good night, they settled with cups of tea in the living room.  Megan could feel Stephen tense.  Since it had been his idea to talk with her, she thought she should allow him to begin.  Finally he smiled and said, “Megan, I have something to tell you and I’m nervous.  I’m not sure how to start.”

“Stephen, I realize we’ve not known each other very long, but I assure you that I’m here to listen.   Just tell me whatever it is, and we can go from there.”  Megan tried to put up a strong front, but that’s all it was—a front.  Would he tell her he had feelings for her?  How would she respond?  She definitely liked him, and was flattered if that were the case, but…

“Well, Megan, it’s common knowledge that my wife and I divorced.  Our marriage ended quite cordially.  I know she was hurt, as I was, but after some difficult conversations, we both realized it needed to end.  I decided it would be best to leave the area—divorce in a conservative church community is difficult enough without it involving the pastor.  When I came here—and I know that I did it to escape—I thought maybe I could make things work as a single pastor.  I see now I was only fooling myself."  He hesitated, and then, "Megan, I’m leaving the ministry.”

Megan sat quietly.  While she was completely surprised by what he revealed, she said, “I sense you want to say more.”

He lowered his head and dug his hands into his thighs.  Megan held back the urge to go sit by him and put her arm around his shoulder.

“Megan, I am gay.  At some level, I’ve known it since I was about 10, but I’ve spent all my life denying it.  Getting married was so unfair to my wife—a truly wonderful woman.  I really did think it was something about me that I could change.  And then I figured that being a pastor could change me.  I was so screwed up for so long.  When I came here, I thought that I could just hide myself in ministerial work; I shouldn’t get too involved with the young women in the church anyway; I could make it work.  But I know I’ve been living a lie—and I can’t continue that.”

 

He hesitated, took a breath, and looked into Megan’s face.  She smiled, and realized that he might not understand her reaction.

“Stephen, first of all I want to thank you for trusting me enough to share this.  I told you before that I respect you, and what you’ve said only reinforces that respect.  My heart aches that you’ve had to live a lie because religion doesn’t acknowledge the validity of diversity as I believe God does—not that I know a lot about his rules and regulations.

 

“This has obviously caused you a lot of pain.  So, what’s next?  Will you remain here?  Move?  Where would you go?”  Megan felt selfish.  She realized how much she valued his friendship and didn’t want him to leave.

“Today I mailed a letter to my church board members telling them I am resigning and leaving the area.  You remember Michael, who was here Thanksgiving?  He has been a friend for years.  I think I told you that we met at a ministerial conference.  I didn’t know that he was gay, but suspected it.  Then when I moved here, I met him again at some meetings.  We’ve developed a friendship, and he’s moving to upstate New York to pastor at an Episcopal congregation there.  They are welcoming him as a gay priest.

“Michael has invited me to stay with him while I figure out who I am without a secret life.  We talked long and hard while I was in Portland at Christmas.  I feel badly for leaving, but know that in being honest—which I must do—there will be those who cannot accept information that goes so astray from their conservatively held beliefs.

“I have dealt with my own self-doubts and the Christian belief system for years.  It has been an incredibly painful journey, and many have been hurt.  I have to say that my former wife has probably been the most supportive.

“I’ll be leaving the middle of February.  Arriving in Binghamton, New York in winter is not ideal, but it is a beautiful place—a university town, and just a few hours from New York City.”

Megan felt the atmosphere relax.  “Perhaps someday when I begin to do some traveling, I can visit you and Michael.”  

“We’d love that, though to be honest, I’m not sure where I’ll end up.  Michael is the one who convinced me that I had to be honest with you.  He knew you’d be supportive.  I really am glad I told you.”

Megan gave a little girl smile.  “Stephen, I guess you’re my ‘Will’.”  He looked at her questioningly.

“Well, with admissions in the air, I’ll add mine.  I’ve had a crush on you.  I wasn’t in love but certainly a school-girl-level crush.  So now, like Grace, I have my Will.”  Megan laughed and walked over to Stephen, sat down next to him and put her arms around him.  They hugged for several seconds.

Megan was the first to speak.  “I think this calls for some wine; a time to clink our glasses.  Let’s celebrate my Will and the courage and the integrity it took to come to this place.”  She returned from the kitchen with the wine-filled glasses.  They smiled and toasted to their futures, and sipped in a comfortable silence.

After he left, Megan slipped into Emily’s room, kissed her goodnight and went into her own bedroom.  The duvet felt good as she snuggled under its weight.  Her head buzzed from the glass of wine.  She and Stephen had shared an intimate moment and she wanted to record it in her journal. Unfortunately, within seconds her eyes closed and she fell asleep.

To be continued...